Goodbye Nicholas...

I had a dream about a month ago that Nick died...and i woke up with that awful panic-y feeling you get from nightmares...i was so relieved when i woke up, and i was so confused because the dream felt SO real...it was a good thing kelli was sleepin next to me so i had an easier time falling asleep.

I've slowly felt that dream become my awful reality the past few weeks.

when I got that phone call from kelli it seemed so vulgar to have to think about death when i felt like my life hadn't even really started yet. two weeks. two weeks is nothing...two weeks...was not enough.

it seemed so odd at first...mainly because for 4 years the fight was so strong and Nick was so invincible. it was vulgar to think of his life set in the timeline of the last few days.

and that's what it's been lately...FORCED death...HAVING to confront it.
None of it was voluntary or rational.

it's completely unrational actually...
that i would want so desperately for someone to stay here when i know the alternative is a much better place that offers so much happiness and so much less pain.

Nick was the most amazing person, as witnessed by all the people he changed for the better, including me. His short 22 years were not wasted, but were spent teaching us all how to laugh and live correctly.

If this is posted, Nick has lost his fight against cancer.
If this is posted...then someone better be bringing me lots of treats because i'm probably eating my feelings.
if this is posted..i have received what i hope to be the worst phone call i will get for a really long time.
if this is posted then i will be getting ready to attend a funeral.
if this is posted I'm probably dehydrated from crying. seriously...I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated at this point, I can't imagine how i could cry more, but i'm sure i found a way. so bring me gatorade because this kind of crying is a hard workout and my electrolytes need replenishing.

if this is posted...I have the greatest guardian angel in heaven watching over me. and i am so grateful he's there.

I am so grateful that his pain and suffering and fighting is over.
Nick is finally free...



i am so blessed to have him in heaven watching over me.