10 ways the Sochi Olympics is exactly like dating in your 20's

1. Diversion Tactics. You ask for communication and clarification on where you stand, and get a vague, majestic, response that means nothing.

Like when this reporter asked for help in getting his hotel room and the games director responded with "Turn around and look at the mountains"

similar to when you ask where you stand with a guy and he puts one finger over your lips to shush you and says something vague about the moon and relates it to how pretty your eyes are.


2. You feel exposed and vulnerable, similar to when you use THE BATHROOMS AT SOCHI.

Horrifying.



3. Nowadays, filters make it confusing and hard to decipher whether or not something is ACTUALLY attractive, girls editing photos and choosing filters, similar to this woman throwing a "green grass" filter on this field at Sochi,

deep down it's just dead underneath.

4. You put up walls and don't, under any circumstances, let people in.

LOL, NOPE.

5. When you finally do break down those walls and get into a relationship, like a hotel room at Sochi,  OH MY GOSH IT'S NOTHING LIKE PEOPLE MADE IT SEEM ONLINE.

ABORT MISSION

6. You are probably not receiving a Return on Investment on what you pay for-

$60 in sushi does not translate to a makeout, just like $1000 in hotel fees does not translate into a guaranteed place to sleep at Sochi. Sorry pal, it's a cruel world.

7. Dating Rules are the same as Sochi rules. Don't have high expectations, because chances are your basic needs won't get met, and as always, be careful what you let touch your face!

8. We're all hiding dirty laundry.

And.....dirty foyers, and unfinished hotel rooms, and sometimes just straight up MASSIVE DIRT DESTRUCTION.


9. You may have to lower your standards, but be optimistic! Nobody is perfect!

10. and number 10, is just this photo:

Because, like dating your 20's, the most effort anyone is making at any given time is when they're trying to put one of these somewhere it is not wanted.

 and it pretty much accurately sums up dating in your 20's and Sochi all in one.

Happy Olympics!

PS. Can we red rover Bieber to Russia for Shaun White?! Is he going to return safely? I'm just so worried.

GO USA.

The Curse Part II

I'm not quite sure if the curse has been lifted or not-
Probs not since my car got broken into yesterday.
Jokes on the bad guys though cause I didn't have anything in there, so they could only make out with .75$ out of the console so....BLESSING OR CURSE?!
Blessing.

Thanks Robert.

After recovering from the break-in I took myself on a date to see Malcolm Gladwell speak at Abbravanel Hall last night. "Took myself on a date"- UNASHAMED, because, I'm a grown woman....and one day I'll meet a guy who will laugh at my crude weiney jokes and also enjoy attending live speaking engagements on legitimacy theory, and also want to date me? So...

Prepared for the worst but still praying for the best on that one.

(OMG Lil' Wayne was just too good not to use)

Malcolm Gladwell was an amazing, fantastic speaker and I loved every second of it, especially his Kanye West quote. AMEN.

There's a point, you guys, the point is the curse will be tested on Friday when I get onto a plane and fly to Washington to see Hether, Cody, and celebrate my LB's first birthday! Also, crossing Seattle off the bucket list finally. It's been a year since I've seen the Hammons family so happy dance across America.

Key West Curse

This one is a doozy....
Point blank you guys, I came home with a Key West curse.

I didn't blog much while I was in Key West (and my much I mean at all, we're moving on). I'm kind of glad those stories are my own because to be honest, most days it feels like my move to the Keys never even happened. Here's the thing, Key West was amazing and unbelievable and the best decision.

I've been home for 2.5 months (insert denial), and here I am, cursed. wasting away to practically nothing

The curse started when I came home from the Keys. I was alone for two days after everyone else left and after taking 7 laps around the island on my scooter I finally said my goodbyes to the Atlantic, parked it and packed my bags. Annnd by packing my bags I mean hitting, kicking, and ripping 3 handles off my suitcase to make it lighter so that it would make weight (IT'S FINE GUYS).

I walked on a plane, and I was in panic. I left for adventure and the unknown and a chance to explore- and I had 3 months full of it, but in the end what I was coming home to felt even more unknown, a new city, and a lot of unanswered questions. To be honest I felt more comfortable in the unknown, I was more comfortable kick starting a scooter in the middle of a tropical storm than I was living back in Utah (more proof I can do hard things). But I got on the plane, and I landed in Miami, and then I headed to Charlotte.

I had a 3 hour layover and since I had a crazy morning I realized I hadn't eaten all day, I walked into the nearest restaurant and the server sat me at a bar that overlooked the the airport, people walking to and from different terminals and gates, and I, of course, gracefully shoved the fattest burger into my face while in people-watching heaven, It was like a much better looking version of this:

and all of a sudden this really attractive guy walks past me. 30 seconds later he's sitting next to me and I'm like...oh hellllloooo.

2 and a half hours later we're sitting there, sharing twizzlers and talking about how underrated good eyebrows on a girl are, and then it was time to go.

We stood up, shook hands, and walked away. I turned around and I remember standing there thinking it was such a profound and weird metaphor to everything that had happened in my life since May- the best things that happen to us walk right into our lives unexpectedly, tripping over clumsy timing and leave just as freely as they came.

It was time to go. I couldn't let go of the summer, not yet. I was clinging, I was tan, I was doing 2 a day workouts and eating pie every day (that evens out right?). WHY WOULD I EVER LEAVE!

Insert curse.

I sat down, I turned my phone off and slid it into my purse, and then the plane started to take off, and then, in slow motion, I watched my purse tip over, and my phone slide between my feet to the back of the plane. NEVER. TO. BE. SEEN. AGAIN.

I am cursed.

I walked back into Utah without a phone (naked), I also lost 2 months worth of key west pictures, and a torn soul.

COOL.

fast forward 2 months and I am headed out on a work trip to Pennsylvania to work for the Runner's World Magazine Half Marathon & Festival.

Insert curse:
the second day I'm there, I straight up full on lose my phone. I don't want to talk about it, all I knew is it was gone. I lost my last months worth of key west pictures.

Its like Key West never happened. (Ps there's an entire website dedicated to Cosby gif's so, we've got that goin' for us)

I am cursed.

I've gone through 2 iphones in 2 months and I want to puke at this point. How has my adulthood spun so madly out of control that I can't even travel without losing my brain? Traveling is usually the thing I'm good at, and then I remembered Robert....

Robert the Doll is a legend of Key West,
basically this abused slave made a doll for the child she watched over, the doll (OBVIOUSLY) has powers and is very sensitive, it also has done some very naughty things, and is said to be able to move on his own. (The movie series Chuckie is based on the stories of Robert).


The point is the doll still exists and is locked up in an old prison in Key West, you can go to the museum and see him and take photos of him, as long as you ask his permission first (I'm not joking and I'm also butchering this story for time sake, read up on Robert on your own), there are accounts of people who have gone and not asked permission, or said mean things about Robert, and they are cursed, with car accidents, illness, injuries, and all around bad luck until they formally write Robert a letter and apologize.

On one of our last days in the Keys we thought it'd be fun to do a haunted tour,
so we go around to all these places to hear the haunted history behind Key West.

The last stop on this tour, was the house where Robert The Doll resided for the majority of his existence (locked in his fully furnished room in the attic) where we see a photo of Robert the Doll (THE WORST), and my response is "HE IS SO CREEPY"

so there you have it.

and now I am cursed by Robert the Doll so.... JOKES ON ME.
This is my formal letter of apology to Robert that I may no longer have the Key West curse.

Dear Robert,

Hello good sir, remember me?
I used to drive by you twice a day, every day, for 3 months, on the scooter with the brights-only option with bad brakes? You may have been watching me out the window of that museum. I hope that when you looked out and saw me, you saw my purest of heart intentions, and love for animals and babies (especially the chunky ones) and non-littering stance. Robert I made a mistake, and I said that you were creepy, and I want to from the deepest part of my soul apologize for that. It was wrong, and mean, and not true. You are not creepy! You are merely misunderstood, and I know that now. In fact, I think we could even have hella good times at Dante's, I'd even buy you a pina colada if given the chance, so please forgive me and lift this curse.

Thank you, and best wishes.

Doing Hard Things: Key West Week 1

Okay, like every other white girl in America I was raised to be terrified of 2 things: 1.  bad guys, and 2. toxic shock syndrome (that is the most true thing you'll read all day, because I'm not sure what boys maturation class was like....but maturation taught girls that tampons would poison & kill us and weineys would ruin our lives) so while I am terrified of bad guys and TSS I also picked up another childhood fear: crashing anything motorized that didn't have airbags. This includes 4 wheelers, scooters, and dirt bikes, basically anything without a 5-star crash test rating.

I arrived in Key West one week ago, my manager picked us up from the airport and drove us a whole 2 minutes to our apartment, as we pull into the parking lot he points out the passenger side as we get out & casually says "those are your scooters, here are the keys, any questions?" HI, UM! YEAH! EXCUSE ME! TEACH ME HOW TO NOT DIE A FIERY DEATH.

What came out of my mouth was something calm and educated, "nope, just show me where the gas tank is?" he showed us and drove away, leaving me holding a key and a death reel of fiery crashes and road rash playing over and over in my head.

I also had a throwback memory to when a boy tried to teach me how to drive a scooter on a date and I almost crashed into trees 3 different times. OKAY SORRY. DON'T STRADDLE ME FROM BEHIND AND ASK ME TO OPERATE A MOTORIZED VEHICLE THAT I'VE BEEN TERRIFIED OF SINCE MY CHILDHOOD.
Such sweaty, full panic.







Obvi I did the adult thing & ignored the problem until the next day.

I'm trying to be an adult and so I swallowed my monster of a fear & did a few laps around the parking lot before I felt confident enough to put my new roomie Abby (cutest girl) on the back & take the thing on the 25 minute drive to work. We didn't die. I can do hard things.

The end.
Just kidding.

fast forward 24 hours later I was the Michael Jordan of scooter riding. I conquered one of my fears in a matter of 1 day & I hadn't crashed & taxis had stopped honking at me to go faster. I owned the world you guys.

I even got so proud that I sent a text that said "I AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF THE SCOOTER, I CAN DO HARD THINGS"

I am such a fool.

Later that night I feel so confident in scooter operation and handling that I started offering classes to Shaelie & Shelbie (such wonderful human beings)

Shaelie decides to drive home from the store so I hop on the back, and she's doing great until we pass the turn to our apartment and have to flip around.

We pull into a hotel and follow the curved pull-in around so we can take a left.

Let me tell you something about scooters, it gets tricky when you have to stop, because you have to put your foot down so you don't tip the thing.
Let me tell you something about being 5'1".
You have the legs of a 3 year old.
Let me tell you something about having 2 girls that are both 5'1" on a scooter when it stops.
LEVEL HARD.

So Shaelie stops, and being short her tiptoes barely touch the ground, so she puts one foot down and bounces off that foot, sending the scooter tipping the other way. Naturally she puts her other foot down, and we bounce off that one too. We're teetering back and forth as she bounces off each foot and tries to keep the scooter (which is HEAVY) upright, with my weight on the back.

We're a damn circus performance at this point...
Back to me.
Dying of a panic attack on the back of the scooter:

I'm sitting on the back and every fear I've ever had in my life is about to come true, because with each teeter and bouncing side to side, I get closer to the ground.






Suddenly we can't teeter any more and all the momentum of going back and forth finally catches up to us.

I get bucked off the back of the scooter onto my ass, everything in the basket goes rolling around the driveway, and the scooter is on it's side.
I can't even.
I literally have no words to describe it any other way.
My hands didn't even catch myself you guys. Like, flew off the back and landed straight on my butt. Shoutout to my tailbone for catchin me tho.
The ultimate story of rock bottom. 2 hours ago I was boasting my abilities & now I am writhing on the ground & can't breathe because tailbone + momentum + all body weight, hurt really bad.
I am sure this is the most entertaining thing that everyone inside that hotel lobby had ever seen.

I sit up and I want to puke because I am so terrified. Now that I know that all my childhood fears weren't irrational & this stupid scooter really could cause serious road rash/fiery death there is no way in hell I am getting back on that thing. After telling Shaelie I didn't trust her with my life, I got back on & let her drive me home. I lived, & it's like:






This is a true story of triumph,
I mastered the scooter.
I hit rock bottom.
I hit my ass.
I conquered my fear.
I can do hard things.

Just because

No-pants Cat.

I've finally recovered from my last traumatizing event to tell you about it.

That's actually a lie, I'm just the laziest blogger ever.
Can't win em' all.

After a particularly hard day at work I came home, ran to my room, and broke the speed barrier for taking off pants. I realllly did. Naturally I threw on the most giant neon-yellow Raptors hoodie I own and left my pants on the ground and marched my half naked body to the couch. Don't try to tell me there is any greater joy than no-pants after a long day.




I literally am SPREAD out on the couch. No shame here and god bless if you ever have to live with me to see acts like this in real life, because i am always running around less than covered. Whatever...one day I'll need all kinds of spanx contraptions to keep shiz where it's supposed to be so for now I run free.


While I'm staring at the wall in front of the couch envisioning a life where I actually don't get stressed out about work: as seen here:



 I get a text from Kendra that says "I'm on my way over". Now...pay attention to the timeline here & do this deductive math equation.

If Kendra lives in the same apartment complex as I do, and it takes approximately 2 minutes to walk to my door from her door and there is a knock at the door at 2 minutes and 5 seconds, who could be at the door?

While you're working on that brain buster I hear a knock and, knowing it's Kendra I yell "COME IN"....when the door doesn't open I'm just confused that Kendra thinks she gets married and has to knock, so in the most annoying voice I can muster I yell "COME IN". The door finally opens and I don't even look until I hear a voice say "um, hi"

Okay back to the math equation. Here are your possible answers.

Who is at the door?
A. Kendra
B. Relief Society President and supporting cast of relief society members.

If you're under the impression that God doesn't like to joke around with me and have a good laugh now and then you probably chose option A. You are wrong.

I hear "Um...Hi" and immediately realize it is not Kendra, but the RELIEF SOCIETY PRESIDENT and her minion staring at my half-naked, neon raptors hoodie wearing disheveled body from the front door.



This is obviously already an awkward situation for the both of us. She has seen more skin than she would ever choose. She quickly introduces herself, again, although we've met at least 4 times (I'm at the singles ward quite a bit for a non-member) & so we have the same conversation over again about who we are- only this time both my eyes and my upper thighs are making direct eye contact with her.



She then explains the reason for the drop in is to "see how I was doing and drop off an Ensign" she is the nicest human being ever and really just an innocent victim of my awkward life, and here's the kicker, being the kind and caring human she is, she decides that instead of quickly dropping off the magazine on the counter and leaving me to rot in the stench of my embarrassment she is going to sit down and talk me through this clear rock bottom I've hit (i'm ad-libbing here, but I can only imagine this is your train of thought when you think a half naked girl just yells "COME IN" to any joe blow who knocks on the door).



I AM IN SURVIVAL MODE. I AM FULL ON SWEATING.

I have 2 options here:
-option 1 is confront the issue and ask her to stop talking while I take a walk of shame to put on some form of pants, because right now I'm desperately pulling on the hoodie to cover my panties (God Bless Raptors).
-option 2 is to sit here like a helpless newborn calf and fight through the visit.

I was forced to stick with option 2 when she walked around the coffee table and sat so close to me that our upper thighs were touching. If I stand up now, there is gonna be a whole lot more exposure going on than already is. I am more glued to my seat than Rosa Parks. President's friend grabs a barstool and sits 3 feet directly in front of me. I am surrounded. Pantless. Sweating.



We start this awkward banter of me trying to be funny and make them realize i'm not crazy and them not understanding my humor and me trying so hard not to laugh at this situation that my eyes are literally watering. I'm sure 70% of you have witnessed me communicating like this in times of emotional stress.

In the middle of them trying to understand my situation Kendra opens the door and walks in the room to see me sitting with half the relief society presidency, sweating, and pantless.



After 15 minutes of trying to politely end this pantless conversation my new friend from the ward looks at me, touches my bare knee, and says "So....Are you dating anyone?"



I AM HOME ALONE AND PANTLESS, SITTING SPREAD EAGLE IN A GIANT NEON HOODIE AT 6:00 PM. DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO IS LOVED.

A week in 'grams

After my Instagram account & I took a hiatus for a month I finally became an active user once more- Here's what my corner of the world looked like this week!



I absolutely live for Saturdays (sometimes my job takes a toll on me & I need a break from all social media). So this Saturday I woke up early, grabbed my book & some chai & sat there in silence. It was heaven.

 I just finished reading Tina Fey's Bossypants (can I be her when I grow up?), Nicholas Sparks' The Best of Me (give me a break, you know I cried), and Jim Rodgers A Gift For My Children (easiest & quickest financial/investment book you'll ever read-I read it twice in 1 sitting).

So I'm obsessed with anything I can get my grubby little hands on- what are your favorite reads lately? Send them my way!

On Tuesday Kelli had her Cosmetology state board exams (Eeek!) and I was such a nervous mother hen. After some issues with her mannequin nail tip the night before, (Seriously how many nail techs does it take to glue on a tip?) she was ready to go- but of course I was up with her at 6 am making her a good breakfast before her test. Because as we're all well aware the only way I know how to fix things is through cookin' some hella good food. (Oh yeah, and she PASSED!)

 I also landed lip first in the bold side of the makeup bag and ended up rockin' red lips all day. Yeah that's a selfie let's all just try to move on from the awkwardness- I tried to cover up most of my face with hair so to avoid embarrassment. It's still a selfie. I feel weird. It's fine. 

And now my bad taste tweet of the week: "What came first, the cramping or the egg? #badumching #periodjoke #helpme"

ba dum ching. OHHKAY. 

Lay off me I'm ovulating-

ah hahaha

Okay love you bye. 

1/2 Birthday & A Letter To Myself.

Half Birthdays are my favorite & I can't wait to celebrate them in the future- This year, as I celebrated my 22.5 birthday on February 13th, I started thinking about how great my life is right this second. I always wondered what my twenties would be like & here are a few things I wish I would have known about my twenties before I got here-

1. You'll still be in Logan. Suck it up. It happened.

2. Don't apologize or ask permission to state your opinion, turns out yours is pretty educated & it deserves to be heard, especially in the workplace.

3. You don't need to stress about a career. The dots connect. Relax.

4. You will realize (thankfully) that there is more to be had in a partner than ambition and book smarts. What looks good on paper won't keep you entertained- Instead go for the guy that will come help you with your car and make you laugh when you're just sitting in the dark.

5. Call Nick. Tell him he's your favorite. Go home this weekend. Sit on that bed with him and watch OC all night. You believe he's invincible, and right now, he is- but it won't stay that way. Also- take that trip to Lake Powell this summer, you have got to learn now before you learn the hard way that work will wait. Nothing is more important.

6. Avoiding vulnerability isn't protecting anything- You'll realize this & eventually open up, this will be very short-lived, but it will bring someone that challenges you into your life. He'll stick around, not in the way you first thought, but in a way that's a much better fit. The best part about this friendship is going to be honesty without judgement. Never cut what you can untie. Open up & don't regret it.

7. Keep forgiving.

8. At 22.5 you've learned to stand your ground when you believe in an idea or your work. Fight as fiercely about this now, and start fighting fiercely to help other people with their goals too.

9. the 6th east house is the last time you will all live together- love every second of it even when Kylie is chasing you around flicking you with her toothbrush spit. You can sleep later. Stay up all night.


10. Right now you feel like it's a rat race to the altar. Get comfortable with your own timeline now, you are not ready to settle down and it's better that way.

11. DO NOT LIVE IN THE 4TH NORTH HOUSE NEXT YEAR. Black Mold. Don't do it. Also, don't work at the salon. You hate it, stop feeling obligated to make others happy over yourself.

12. Middle part your hair. Trust me. Also, trust in God's plan. He's got it all worked out.

24

I am blessed to say that I celebrated a lot of memories today.
Some hit me hard- at work or during my normal routine, making me want to laugh, and cry, and punch the steering wheel.
A few crept in slowly, sliding their way to the front of my thoughts, all different but they all ended by giving way to the memory of my hardest goodbye.

I celebrated a lot of crazy, hilarious, heartbreaking memories today-
but I still miss the one I was celebrating.

Happy Birthday Nicholas!

1/2 chinese. 1/4 stupid.

Talk to me.

Here are some things people have been saying to me:

"Damn girl, you got thick"- kid I went to high school with.



Kill me.

"Why aren't you dating anyone?" -My gynecologist
"Aren't there any cute boys at your job?"- My gynecologist
"Oh so you don't need 'birth control' you just need 'hormone control'"- My gynecologist



because bros just want me for my cooking.

But it's okay guys, the man of my dreams has arrived- and I guess he's not an english major.

heavily laced sarcasm there...


and for the grand finale


"You know, I've been thinking, and you've gotten really attractive in the last year"- Kid who didn't want to date me until I suddenly became "really attractive in the last year".