the one thing i'm good at.

So, since this whole MLC bidness started I've been tryin to re-evaluate my life, talents, and goals. Since I'm livin life like a moderately obese 14 year old, i couldn't really ponder that much on it without reaching for a sharp object. I've realized in my short 19 years that I have no talents. Despite what you may think, I'm actually not exceptionally good at anything... I can't sing. I can't dance. I can't do anything entertaining. Just as i was swirling into a pit of hopelessness due to the fact that i have nothing unique to offer this world...I realized the ONE talent i have: Makin fun of douches. Today I've decided to tell you about my favorite douche bag filter. It's the best way to spot a douche-y a mile away. And it's the most foolproof rating system when you first start dating a guy. guys look at our boobs, i look at their shoes. so here we go:
guy # 1: the sketchers guy:

okay, I don't know if there's anything more disappointing than seeing a fairly dressed, cute guy, wearing sketchers. When i see him i just wait to see if he's gonna start skipping all the way to the institute building (okay that was...really bad). but really, this guy has the dirty joke maturity of a 10 year old: he won't understand it and he'll probably pray for your soul to become pure later that night. I hate guys that don't laugh at least a little bit at dirty jokes, so I steer clear of the sketcher wearin men, but if you like low risk board games, caffeine free beverages, and ankle socks, this is your man. Sketchers men are loyal though, you can tell because they've been wearing the same brand of shoes for the last 20 years of their lives. also, i swear on everything holy if a guy hits on you and he's wearing shape-ups, and you continue to voluntarily speak to him, I will personally take off his idiotic looking shoes and beat you with them.


guy #2: the DC guy.


Now, i will be the first to tell you that Rob Dyrdek is the freakin' man. I would marry him in a heartbeat. but the DC guy....is 89% percent of the time, a complete and total Sweet bro. Now, this is the thing i hate about DC's. just because you wear a skateboard shoe, does NOT mean you have the natural ability to skateboard. so if you can't skateboard, buy dc shoes that are made for YOUR lifestyle. I swear to the good lord himself, I cannot handle seeing the freakin' tongue and laces of DC shoes that guys tuck their jeans under. If a guy walks up to me and his freakin' tongues are pulled up on the DC's...i literally dry heave and have to back away until he maintains a 10 foot radius around me. (shout out to Megan Mitchell) Guys that wear DC shoes usually think they have a cool guy pass anywhere, like the guy at the gym who wears his DC's and magically thinks he'll be able to lift 300 lbs while simultaneously drinking his whey protein and hitting on the 3 girls who are ALWAYS wearing just spandex and full makeup. you my friend, are a douche. Now DC guys can be tricky because sometimes, they have great hearts and just need to be steered in the right direction. But the one clue the you should run: the guy that has a whole DC inspired outfit on...and it all matches. no, despite what you may think he is not Sponsored by DC, and yes he actually does think this is good fashion.

Guy # 3: The Crocs guy

RUN
I'm gonna assume that every girl reading this post is intelligent enough to realize that any guy wearing crocs....probably has a vagina. okay not really, but there's not even a little part of you that should feel okay about this. If you're dating a guy, and you like him, you MUST, MUST sneak into his closet (creepy but necessary). if he has a pair of crocs you break all ties, stop answering his texts, and literally cut him out of your life until those shoes are BURNED. There is absolutely no excuse good enough for owning a pair. NEVER.

guy # 4 Cowboy boot wearin' man.
So here's my take on cowboy boots. If you see them you must take into consideration your surroundings, is it possible that this man actually did just complete an activity that required him to wear cowboy boots. If not, then there is some ultra weird george strait lovin' need to prove his manhood and you should proceed with caution. The man that wears his cowboy boots everywhere is either trying to compensate for A; being really short or B; a big insecurity in his manhood. I do feel that some super stylish guys can sometimes, once in a while, pull this off to be quirky. but not everyday, and sure as he** not with a Rodeo Association of America shirt tucked in with a fake belt buckle...especially when you know this guy has never been on a horse in his life.

Guy # 5 the Nike Guy


Usually Nike guys are great. there's only one very very sketchy type of nike guy you wanna stay away from: the guys that has his Running shoes completely laced up, with a normal outfit. NOT OKAYYYY. guys, this honestly is terrible and i HATE it, it's like you're so close to being normal and then when i see that i just picture you riding your bike down the street because you look like a ten year old! no normal, everyday activity is going to require you to sprint at full pace for a mile. so leave those shoes for when you're EXERCISING.

Guy # 6: the Vans, Toms, Sanuks guy.

ahhh, this my friends, is thee ideal. If you see this man, I have no advice for you because he's probably well dressed, continue with my blessings. he's a keeper.

ahhh and there you have it. it's a perfected system. go now, and judge the worth of guys by your first glance. haha.