I am a gatherer, not a hunter

My dad was shooting targets with his guns yesterday.
I had a flashback.

I think when parents have children, they have dreams and hopes and goals for said child. Some parents dream of their little girls becoming doctors, or politicians, or a quarterback's girlfriend...
My father dreamed of me being a HUNTER.
When I was the ripe ol' age of 9, my father decided that it was time to start my trainig to become a hunter.
He always put hunting shows on tv.
He bought me a pellet gun & showed me how to load it and shoot it without seriously injuring myself.
I'd shoot at targets and pop cans in the backyard with him.
and for some unknown reason my father thought that shooting at an inanimate lime green sprite can was enough training to let me into the wild.
(he is currently unavailable to comment)
but i digress.
I was ready.
It was time.

The next morning my dad loads me and my 5 year old brother into the car, throws his guns in the back and decides it's "hunting time".

we drive to some field in the middle of nowhere,
I'm pretty sure that "field" is now a Walmart, or a Winco.

during the drive i envisioned how good i was going to be at killing moving animals.
I was going to be a good little hunter & a strong little girl.
I thought about how fun it would be to carry my gun while walking behind my dad.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my 9 year old self that this is why i need to stop envisioning how situations would turn out, because the reality of my performances is always shockingly and painfully worse than the vision.

fo real.
we pull up to the field and get out, my dad says "follow me"
What happened next was a turning point in my life.

we walk in the field of green plants for about 20 minutes until something terrible happens
my legs start to feel....
itch-y


burn-y


FIRE-Y


do you know what this is?




let me give you a hint



that's right, it's poison ivy. and it freakin' hurts.

my brother and i start crying and yelling and scratching our legs because we think we're dying, neither of us have been exposed to pain like this before.

my father looks back to see his 2 young children in the throws of immediate death.

he now realizes, that both of his young children are wearing shorts and have been following him through a poison ivy breeding ground for the past twenty minutes,
so we walk back to the car,
through 20 more minutes of poison ivy exposure.
as my father laughed at our expense the entire way.

that ride home was the worst car ride of my entire life.
i was scratching constantly, which just made the burning pain & swelling worse,
by the time i got home and ran into my mom,
all my hopes and dreams of becoming a world class woman hunter had been crushed and the remains of said dream were burned to ash.
Not only did i vow i would NEVER go hunting with dad again,
I swore I'd think twice before I followed any man through a strange looking field.

my dad still had hope for me though, considering that after this incident he bought me a bow & arrow set & then a SLINGSHOT.