A series of unfortunate events

this is the terrible story of true events that occurred between 1:00 am on July 31st and 5:00am August 1st.

this story features:
skyler parkhurst:



Kylie Suarez:




1:00 am
skyler gets a great idea:


it took about 5 minutes of "skyler convincing" for the 9 of us to finally agree.
we drive to sandy, park and walk to the trail head. here's a very poor depiction of what it looked like, it was pitch dark, and despite the fact that in this portrait the trail looks very well lit, it was not.



Suddenly the nice trail turns into huge steps. Luckily I wore tight skinny jeans that didn't allow my legs to move more than 11 inches apart. this is where my struggle begins, little did i know that ten minutes later i'd be willing to cut off my left arm to see steps like these again. Like an idiot, i follow my fearless leader. I'm determined to show that I can be good at climbing a mountain



Those huge steps end. I don't know who formed this "trail" but they forgot to finish. I realize now, that whoever created it probably realized that this mountain was an effin cliff and it wasn't worth it to continue building a trail. I digress, and Like an idiot, i follow my fearless leader, desperately wanting to succeed in being good at climbing mountains to show that I enjoy outdoor activities.



the rest happened very quickly, Kylie and I are trying to look normal (unsuccessfully) whilst attempting to scale a side of a mountain by grasping and climbing over rocks/boulders. I suddenly turn into my most hated thing in the whole world: a whiny girl. It was as if i couldn't control what was coming out of my mouth, i begin complaining. I suddenly realize I may be losing the battle with the mountain


at the exact same time my body realizes that i do in fact, have asthma, a disease which causes me not to be able to breathe, and i begin to have trouble getting air into my lungs.


I break out into a dead sweat. I work out quite frequently, however, it soon becomes obvious that my body is not prepared to climb up a mountain, especially in skinny jeans. After announcing that I can't breathe, everyone decides I'm being a huge baby and that I need to continue on. I am undoubtedly going to lose this battle. Not only has this mountain completely pwned me, I am quite sure I'm going to die on some god forsaken cliff.

Please imagine for a second that you are suffering an asthma attack, sweating, and trying to heave your body weight over rocks and boulders while wearing skinny jeans and trying not to look like a complete idiot when you see that the very rocks and boulders you're struggling to climb up, end.


let me give you a close up:


at this point, I'm really concerned that kylie and i seem to be the only two struggling climbing up this "mountain". there's no way I'm going to survive.
we finally reach a point where the cliff will not allow us to continue any farther. we look at the view:


there's no possible way to go down the way we came, so we decide to go a different way, i like to call it the "loose gravel and huge boulders that aren't stable enough to hold your body weight" route.
it's definitely a straight shot down the mountain, with no stable place to put my feet I decided it's a good idea to slide down, on my butt.

Reasons this was not a good idea:
1. it's pitch dark, and i cannot see large rocks
2. it's pitch dark, and i can't read the depth of the drop-offs very well.
3. I was sliding on nothing but loose rocks
4. In order to slow down/stop i had to grasp wildly at what was around me including but not limited to, branches, larger rocks, sides of the cliff, and trees.



really, the only reason i survived is because I was constantly making Skyler, Jesse, or Bowser "Catch Me" as i was rolling down the cliff. This is how you know you're a man, when a girl yells "shoot! catch me!" as she's falling down a mountain, and you do it without laughing and/or complaining that you just acquired 115 lbs of extra body weight to be responsible for.
3:00 am
Finally, and surprisingly, we make it down the mountain, and to my car, where i take my inhaler and realize that i'm going to survive. I look at my battle wounds, i feel like i have scrapes all over my body, but there are no visible wounds. I'm furious i have nothing good to show for the pain i'm in.

Then Skyler says something that will haunt me for the rest of my life:


Kylie and I both say "okay" and get in the car, we backtrack all the way to Layton to get some stuff:


4:50 Am
we Pull out of Skyler's driveway and begin our drive to St. George


I sleep in shotgun the entire way, being woken up a few times by skyler serenading me with Garth Brooks.

10:00 Am
We arrive in St. george, mind you none of us have showered from our hike/near death experience. I'm nastay to say the least.
swim swam for a few hours, sleep for a few hours, wake up and drive to the blessed town of Mesquite, NV for a little buffet action.
while walking through a casino, skyler is stopped by an old man who says
"how did attractive guys like you get hooked up with such ugly girls?"
then i continued to make my way to the buffet where i ate my feelings, we also receive the call that we need to get our stuff out of the house in st g.
so we go back to st. g
clean up the house and pack our stuff
leave the house

11:40 Pm
we begin our journey home, laughing at our misfortune.

5:00 am
we arrive in Layton, and when we think nothing worse could go wrong with our trip, Skyler steps one foot outside of the car, it starts pouring rain, while he has to move all the bags from my trunk into another car.
I drive home and sleep off my hangover of spending the last 24 hours fighting death, driving, or stuffing my face.

I'm almost positive that Saturday took 2 years off my lifespan.

this is why skyler parkhurst will never talk me into anything ever again.