get low?

There are 2 things I am the most uncoordinated human at.

1. rollerblading.
2. "freak" dancing.

Usually when I'm headed to a dance party, I'm pretty optimistic about my abilities, despite all of my preteen and teenage years of performances that should have led me to stop dancing in public altogether.


everything in my life has led to my awful dancing abilities.
when i was 3 my mom choreographed a dance to billy ray cyrus' "achy breaky heart" and we performed it on the daily. This might sound like it would be beneficial to the early development of my dancing abilities. False. Number 1. My mom has never had any dance training in her life. Number 2. No child can develop normally when they are on the schedule of: Eat, nap, dance to Billy Ray. Not only was the repetitiveness of the song psychologically damaging, this gave me false confidence in terrible dance moves at a young age.

thanks billy.


when i was 6 i became a dance school dropout, the farthest i ever got was a dance recital where i performed "3 little monkey's"...that dance eventually led me to take a nose dive off of my mom's bed straight into the corner of a dresser. this led to an ER visit and 7 stitches in my forehead. I was probably trying to commit suicide after realizing how uncoordinated i looked while dancing.

Then i grew up a little bit. I got to 7th grade at Sunset Junior High School. Let me tell you something about the quality of kids that went to Sunset Junior High... if you could choose a major in junior high, most of my SJH classmates would have chosen A. Drug dealing B. Sex or C. huffing glue. Not only was Sunset Junior High erected in 1969, it also smelled like underwear that hadn't been washed since 1969. I wish i could find the words to accurately describe Sunset Junior High...SJH is like the butthole of the davis county school district...it's smelly and mainly specializes in producing pieces of crap.

In 7th grade i went to my first jr. high stomp. I walk in with my friends into a world of water bras, the early Lil' Jon days, and sparkly belts. I keep walking and run into a train of 7 girls standing genitalia to genitalia grinding on each other with 20 guys surrounding them in a circle. there were girls everywhere rubbin up on all the boys. uh...had i missed something?

I think i missed the day in 7th grade gym class where they taught the girls how to grind and get low. because i never learned that. and somehow everyone in the world knew how to grind but me. Even the cute little good girls in my english class were freakin' up against the bleachers with the band geeks.

I kinda still remembered my "achy breaky heart" dance moves, but how was i supposed to perform them without my wooden spoon microphone?



this 7th grade dance traumatized me.

I had no idea how to function in this new world of Freak dancing.
8 years later I'm still screwed.


I spend my glorious summers on the baseball field at Lindquist Stadium (I'm the luckiest girl) directing pre-game activities and on field promotions for the Dodger's Pioneer League team the Ogden Raptors. our announcer (and team owner/my boss) Dave plays music while we're waiting for the game to start. Stupidly thinking nobody would be watching, i started dancing while waiting with Kaci on the field. it looked a little like this...


Dave cut the music mid- hip swing and announced over the sound system to the WHOLE stadium "Caitlin, don't ever dance on the field again, that was terrible". Not only was the public announcement bad enough, everyone began laughing and clapping at his comment.

and really....
I need to know what's appealing about rubbing your butt around some guys junk? SOMEONE tell me! Nothing about lil' jon's beats or rhymes makes me wanna walk up to some dudebro, let him put his hands all over my body while shoving his junk all up on my butt while i happily rub my booty all over him. Pass.


I just don't know how to look coordinated at dance parties. I don't know how to dance. I don't know how to grind. If i attempt to even shake my butt it's the same height as every guy's kneecaps. My head is elbow height for most people.


I've learned to deal with my handicap dancing abilities. I've embraced it. Now i spend most dance parties grinding boys' kneecaps and trying not to get a concussion. Billy Ray Cyrus...you ruined my life.