the Derfing chronicles: part I, Happy Humping.

If you, like me, have lived in the mormon culture for most of your lives, then you know there is a difference between normal hookups and mormon hookups. I halfway consider myself and expert on the situation, based on 2 facts.
1. I've been kissing for 7 years, let's call it research for this blog.
2. I don't partake in sexual acts,...therefore i am guilty of Derfing... let's be real it's all i have at my disposal sometimes.

In the real, outside world, hookups usually mean sex, in some form of the word. Nobody besides band geeks make it to 21 with their virginity, and even then they're probably "half virgins"

In Utah, hookups mean making out, & of course some hot n heavy "Derfinging"(also referred to as zipper sparking, jean lovin', and my personal favorite d-f'ing") and if the guy is really lucky a little over the shirt chest groping. When i think about Derfing outside of the hormone-filled situation, i get really grossed out

if you were to watch a couple Derfing with the lights on, it might look like they're both having slight seizures at the same time, with genitalia areas coincidently lined up. I doubt any of you don't know what DH'ing is, but i'll clarify

DH'ing according to urban dictionary: To dry hump and not exchange bodily fluids.

You can imagine, that derfing fully clothed cannot be that beneficial to the guy. There's way too much fabric friction happening here, and you're hitting a pretty thick barrier when the girl is fully clothed in jeans. there's no way a hot horizontal grinding sesh is better for men.
i went to outside sources to prove this to you:

"Id say 95% of the time it is just flat out painful
I think it would feel better for the girl to just get sandpaper and run it up and down my junk"



perhaps one of the worst parts of DH'ing is that any scandalous utah booty call definitely has a heavy dose of levi lovin'. With slight variations it can be taken to the next level.

example: guy changes into gym shorts before turning on a movie and directing you to a lovesac.
translation: Without a doubt, there is not enough fabric there to feel safe about the situation. you won't even make it through previews before he starts layin down his best dry humpin moves. get ready to rub some gens!!

if he offers you gym shorts too...get out, or consider getting on Yaz, cause ya never know about the barrier abilities of silky gym shorts. they're the lingerie of a derfing session. thanks boys...now there's no question in girls minds as to the exact whereabouts and status of your gens, because i definitely wanted to know what's goin on down there, as well as feel it on my upper thigh while cuddling. Sick.


Sadly there is even an actual difference between "Good" dh moves and "bad" dh moves.
Good move: great hand placement on girls back &/or side.
Bad move: power thrusting as if this is real sex. stop.

happy humping my frens
loooove you